I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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