I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I will be naked everywhere
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We need a shit load of segways right now
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
