Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
