I just saw a hot homeless man
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
