Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
