watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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