If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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