Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
