I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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