so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
