I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Come on in and take your pants off
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