I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
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We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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