I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
