Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
