i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
