My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
