The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I lost the right to judge tonight
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
