for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
