Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
