i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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