I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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