Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
