he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
