I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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