This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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