i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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