apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
