do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
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If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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