Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
