yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
