You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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