Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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