Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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