Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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