Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
