omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
