Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
