I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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