Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
