so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
