Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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