I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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