I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm both gender and math confused
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
