When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
