I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
