Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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