why didn't you poke me back
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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