I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
