Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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