Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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