nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
