well you can't waste a boner
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think i got beer on your cat.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
