sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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