you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
