I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
