K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
