I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
