My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just high enough for therapy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
