if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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