"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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