Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
